I love winter. I love the way the snow insulates and buffers
my world. Today as I’m thinking about winter and the icy roads, the sidewalks
filled with snow, I’m reminded of an old friend. I met Michael as I was working
in my yard many years ago. I had just purchased my home and I was anxious to
put my stamp on it. One summer day, while I was digging and
clearing dirt for a pond, I stood up to admire my mess. I noticed a
young man and his dog passing by. I must have smiled at him because he turned
his wheelchair around and drove up my driveway. We started talking, his
beautiful Golden being the ice breaker. His dog was still a pup, full of
boundless energy. They didn’t stay long, they needed to finish their walk.
The next day, Michael and his dog were back. We talked about
my pond and I told him how I was struggling to get it level. He lit right up,
eager to help me. He suggested places I could arrange the rocks around
the outside of the pond. He helped me build up the waterfall. I loved having
him around giving me his input and direction. We became fast friends, soon
learning about each other’s lives. . He shared how he became paralyzed. At the
age of 14, he dove into a neighbors pool and broke his neck. He was
around 30 or so when I met him.
One day it was particularly hot as we worked together. I
suggested taking a break so we could get some water for the dog, and a glass of
ice water for the two of us. I placed the dog dish on the ground, and handed
him his water. He just looked at me. It never dawned on me that he couldn’t
move his arms and grab the water for himself. I gently placed the glass to his
lips, and waited for his direction. He tilted his head back, and I followed,
waiting for him to swallow. Together, along with his beloved pup, we shared our
glass of ice water. Michael ended up moving to Florida not long after that
summer. He wanted to be in an environment where there wasn’t any snow. A place
where he could move around easier. We lost contact after he moved, and I haven’t
been able to locate him. I miss him.
My thoughts of winter, Michael and my children all intertwine. I’ve been learning a lot about the types of grieving, the
processes and stages. I know what it’s like as a mother to lose her daughter. I
needed to learn more about the impact on my children. What is it like to lose a
sibling?
The Forgotten Mourner
The loss of a sibling is a devastating life event. When a
sibling dies, the world changes in a heartbeat. Oftentimes when such a loss
occurs, others fail to recognize that the surviving sibling faces emotional
battles on many fronts while working through the loss. Largely ignored,
surviving siblings are often referred to as the “forgotten mourners.”
Siblings who play a major part
in each other's lives are essential to each other. Adult siblings eventually
expect the loss of aging parents, the only other people who have been an
integral part of their lives since birth, but they do not expect to lose their
siblings early; as a result, when a sibling dies, the surviving sibling may
experience a longer period of shock and disbelief.
The Loss of History
Each family has its own special history and the shared bonds
that are a part of that history. When a sibling dies, the bonds are shattered,
and the history forever has a void that cannot be filled. As they grow,
children develop certain characteristics and talents. Brothers and sisters tend
to complement each other by developing a balance of interests in different
areas. However, surviving siblings will need to redefine their roles in the
absence of this relationship.
The Loss of Future
When a sibling dies, all future special occasions will be
forever changed. There will be no more shared birthday celebrations,
anniversaries, or holidays. There will be no telephone calls telling of the
birth of a new nephew or niece. The sharing of life’s unique and special events
will never again take place.
Understanding from Others
Society often encourages bereaved individuals to feel guilty
for grieving too long. This failure to receive validation of their grief can
cause siblings to hide their feelings, causing a type of depression with which
they may struggle for many years.
If the surviving sibling is married, stress may also be
introduced into the spousal relationship. Individuals grieve differently, and
the spouse may be bewildered and even unsympathetic that this loss is causing
so much sorrow in their own family. This situation may provoke comments such
as, “Why are you so upset? You haven’t been close to your family for years.”
While this may sound reasonable, the emotions of grief and mourning are seldom
reasonable—or even rational. Spouses may need to be told how they can be
supportive. One woman simply asked her husband for a hug whenever she felt
especially sad about the death of her sister.
When your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your
present, and your future. Because of this tremendous loss, it is important that
everyone work together to ease the path toward healing.
Grief is real. Grief has physical qualities. Don’t assume
the griever is able to take that drink of ice water just because the oozing
wound isn’t visible. It’s there.
Jillian’s sister, Jenni, posted this on her face book yesterday. It says it all:
"the reality is you will grieve forever. you will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. you will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. you will be whole again but you will never be the same again. nor should you be the same nor should you want to♥”
I love you, kids. And I’m real proud of you all.
~ Peace
