Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Reflecting On 2013...

It’s the last day of 2013. I don’t have the words to recap this year. I do have one word that jumps out though. Healing. This has been a year of healing. No. That isn’t true really. Hell is a better descriptor. Learning to live without Jillian has been by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It has taken a superhuman effort to engage in everyday activities and to stay present. Healing through Hell.

I prayed this morning for the right words for this blog post. I thought it was appropriate to write one last post for the year. I had no clue what to write about as my heart was full and the words wouldn’t come. This happens a lot. In those moments I just stop and pray.

 As I opened my Pandora, the song from Rascal Flatts was the first to play. “ I Won’t Let Go”. Wow. Well, that song took me back to over two years ago. Jillian had just texted me, “Look at your Facebook”  In the world of a young person, texting becomes a way of communication. You either join in this crazy form of communication, or you don’t. I’ll take it any way I can get it.

Steve had posted the song to her FB page. She told me later that they didn’t really talk about the song, he just played it for her. No words were necessary, they spoke through music. Just as much as Jillian needed to hear that song from Steve, I needed to hear it this morning.




It's like a storm 
That cuts a path 
It breaks your will 
It feels like that 
You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own, 
You're not alone 

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight 
and I won't let go

It hurts my heart to see you cry
I know its dark this part of life
Oh it find us all and we're to small
to stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let you fall

Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down 
You're gonna make it
I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let go

Oh I'm gonna hold you
and I won't let go
Won't let you go
No I won't

The road this last year has been long, dark and cold. The past few months have been extremely difficult as I’ve worked through all the tough memories of Jillian’s last year on earth. All the struggles as she started to go downhill. All the fear. All the pain. And her death. Her last breath on that dark December morning, holding her, loving her.

I’m reminded once again that even though I’ve had to work through my grief alone, in my own way, I’m not alone. I never was. It takes me but a second to realize I’ve got people out there supporting me, praying for me, praying for my family. I want to thank all of you for your unending support and love. Your kindness really has made a difference.

I’m not sure what next year will bring, but I’m moving forward. I’m standing, I’m fighting, and I’ll win. We’ll win.

~Peace and love for 2014!

2 comments:

  1. May 2014 bring greater healing, a little less Hell, a lot more peace, the warmth of spring, and memories that remain forever sweet.

    ReplyDelete

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