“This world keeps spinning faster, to a new disaster, so I run to you”…..
“I’d go back to December all the time”….
“I’m begging for forgiveness, I want to make a difference, even in the smallest way.
I’m only one person, but I can feel it working, I believe in better days…
I Believe in better Days”.
Listening to Pandora and reflecting while the music washes over me. The songs have sparked thoughts that have been circling for a few days now. It would take several posts to reveal all of them. Another time.
Christmas is upon us. Normally I have all of my shopping done well in advance. This year however, I have not stepped foot in a store, or a mall. In fact, I haven’t left this house since we took Jillian home from the hospital almost four weeks ago. My focus has been on Jillian and my family. At first I felt guilty. I expressed my concern to my kids, but they just scoffed at me and assured me it didn’t matter if I bought gifts this year. It just wasn’t important. And they are right. We already have our gifts. The gift of family, the gift of love. Tonight, when you tuck those precious kids in bed, celebrate your gifts. Cherish them, protect them. Love them unconditionally.
Yesterday morning I was lying in bed with Jillian, holding her hand while she slept. She has been sleeping most of the time now, waking up occasionally for her medications, maybe some food, and something to drink. She isn’t talking much. I think it just takes too much effort. But even with her eyes closed , I know she is aware of what is going on around her. She nods or smiles when we are talking. That cocky half grin she has. So cute. And sneaky. J
Lying beside her, I listen to her breathe. I watch as her chest rises and falls. I look at her precious face as I stroke back her hair. She looks so peaceful. I am filled with so much love for her, and the silent tears fall from my face.
Things are spinning fast, and I can’t stop this roller coaster of Melanoma Cancer for her. I think back to when we were in the hospital and the doctor told us that the treatments weren’t working. When we were hit with the reality of coming home with Hospice care. I will never forget Jillian, with tears streaming down her face saying, “ I just want things like they were, I just want things like they were”. And my choked reply, “I know sweetie. So do I. But they won’t be the same. You’re tumors are growing. Things aren’t the same”.
Life is never the same. Things are constantly changing in our broken world. We do have choices though. We can choose to let life break us, or we can chose to live. I know what Jillian would do. And to honor her life, her fight, and the fight of so many others currently waging their own Black war, I will keep my promise. I will try and make a difference so we can all see better days. Because I believe.