Spending time in my yard has always been one of my favorite
things. It’s my time to reflect and to problem solve. My weekend was spent
doing just that. It was refreshing and healing. Just what I needed.
As I’m drinking my early morning coffee preparing for Monday
and my week, I’m already tired. I get frustrated with myself when I have to
work so hard to muster up the energy needed to be what I want to be. For me, and
for everyone else. Tears roll down my cheeks and I think, “Oh, Great. Here we
go again”. Grasping for my will and resolve, I think about Fear. I’m afraid. I
try and push through it, but I’m afraid of my own weakness and vulnerability.
People think I’m strong, I’m not.
With those thoughts, I began to read about grieving the loss
of a child, just to reassure myself that I’m not being too hard on myself. I
ran across the below article by Wiki. I have added my own thoughts in italics.
My wish is to help others that are in a similar situation to feel better about
themselves, and to know they are not alone.
Twelve Ways to Help a Grieving Parent
Remember that your help or support will
be needed long term: It is going to take time.
As in long term, it may be a lifetime of
support.
There will be false
starts and setbacks: Be prepared for the emotional ups and downs with them.
Your love and compassion is just what they need.
Each day I wake up knowing this is
a new day. I can be assaulted with sadness with no warning, and at any time. I
was talking with my new neighbor the other day, and out of nowhere my throat
tightened, and tears slipped down my face. It was difficult to feel so
vulnerable. Ugh.
Start by attending
the funeral and any memorial service: It doesn’t matter what you need to
cancel to be there. Making the effort to attend means a lot to the parents and
shows them how much you care about their lost child, and that you are counted
among those who intend to remember and aid the family in their time of loss.
I spend
time going through Jillian’s guestbook. I’m thankful for those that attended
her visitation and service. I remember.
Be Practical: Grieving parents need space to grieve.
You can help this by providing meals, offering to keep the garden tidy,
cleaning the house, or running errands for them. Do the everyday mundane things
that suddenly seem pointless to them. Stay in close contact; simply calling and
visiting can be a huge source of practical support.
Keeping things in order takes extreme
effort, even now. Be gentle when I don’t feel like joining in on the fun. Fact
is, I’m not superman/woman.
Do some research on the grieving
process: Go online and read about
what parents feel when they lose a child. Jump into forums and talk to other
people about their feelings and the things that helped them through during the
initial stages of their grief. Sites such as Compassionate Friends can be a
good place to start. Good advice. That way you’ll know, and spare
me having to try and explain myself. Because more than likely, I won’t.
Expect the grief to
increase not decrease. This is grief for life, even if one day it is
becoming the perennial missing- part- of –the- heart type grief; it’s not
something to “Get Over”. Accept that there is no time frame on grief. For now,
it will continue to grow in magnitude and you are much needed as the grief
overwhelms your friend or family member.
Be a shoulder to cry on, someone who
will listen, someone who will not judge, and someone who will keep being there,
no matter what. Accept that a bereaved parent will never, ever get over the loss of their child, but know in time,
lots of time, they will get through it.
Don’t ever tell the parent to “Get over
it”, or “Get on with your life, your child would want you to.”
Never Say “You can always have more children”, if the parent
is mourning the death of a baby or very young child. This is one of the most insensitive things to say to a grieving
parent. And grandchildren are no substitutes for lost adult children either;
just don’t go down this avenue of platitudes.
One really good
phrase is simply: “Tell me how you feel”. This lets the parent open up and talk
in any direction wished. And to cry or scream if they want to as well.
I’ll never “Get over it”. I learn to live
with it. You may not want to hear that. That isn’t my issue.
Don’t try to mend
things and don’t try to counsel or advise. Unless you’re professionally
trained to handle grief, leave this part to the professionals. Your role is as
someone who cares, listens, and respects the grieving parent. If you’re
inclined to offer religious or personally based advice, be one hundred percent sure
that it’s welcome.
Allow the parent to talk about their child.
Allow the parent to cry, scream, sob, and be angry. Simply
allow them to feel all of their feelings. It’s their right.
If you don’t know what to say, say nothing, just listen.
Saying nothing is better than saying something like, “He is in a better place”,
He is with God now”, etc. If you feel better saying something, simply explain that you don’t know what to say if that’s what you’re feeling. It’s better to
be honest than to bumble along and potentially make things worse.
Don’t force or overly encourage the parent to socialize, or
return to work.
Never put them down or discourage them from seeking support
online with other bereaved parents.
When
people say to me, “I don’t know what to say”, I smile. Of course you don’t. I
don’t expect you to know. And it wouldn’t matter anyway. There are no words
that will make it any different than it is. Just knowing you care is enough.
Never compare a child’s
death with a non-child death of your own you’ve experienced: The loss of a
child carries very different connotations from the loss of a parent, sibling,
or friend. Parents will often tell you that they wish it could have been them instead
of the child and this is a feeling that haunts them for many years. The pain after the loss of a
child does differ from any other loss of a person you know and love; accept
this and acknowledge it where needed.
Share your pain over the loss of their child, but remember
your pain is nowhere near their pain unless you have lost a child yourself.
There is no greater pain than the death of one’s child.
Never tell a bereaved parent you know how they feel or you
understand because you probably do not.
Don’t compare the loss of your job, marriage, pet or
grandparent to the loss of their child.
This
just shuts me down.
Don’t be afraid to
talk about the child: Every parent wants to know their child is not
forgotten. And listen to the parents when they want to talk about their child.
Whether the child was young, or an adult, there will be many memories that the parents
will want to talk about, as a way of bringing the child back into temporary
existence.
If you talk about their child and they cry, it’s okay. Allow
them their tears, and know that you didn’t hurt them.
Jillian
is one of my children. I love talking about my kids.
Don’t just disappear:
This can be the ultimate letdown for a grieving parent, to lose someone who
was once a friend, a rock. The concern you feel at not knowing what to say or
do is nothing compared to the pain, sadness and loneliness the grieving parent
experiences. It’s better to put your foot inot it and apologize than to just
fade away and cease to be a resource your friend can count on.
Remember the parent on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, they
are still a parent.
Remember the child’s birthday. Send a card saying that you
remember their child.
Remember the child’s date of death. Send a think of you
card, call them, share good memories about their child, and listen.
Enough said.
Give them space: As
well as letting them know you’re there for them, also accept that the bereaved
parent may want to seclude themselves. Be wise to signals of distress about
having you around and gently withdraw, still letting them know that you’re there
for them whenever they need you, just a call or text away.
It's complicated. The kindest thing you can do it to be gentle and not to have any expectations.
Peace~
