Reflecting On 2013...

It’s the last day of 2013. I don’t have the words to recap this year. I do have one word that jumps out though. Healing. This has been a year of healing. No. That isn’t true really. Hell is a better descriptor. Learning to live without Jillian has been by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It has taken a superhuman effort to engage in everyday activities and to stay present. Healing through Hell.

I prayed this morning for the right words for this blog post. I thought it was appropriate to write one last post for the year. I had no clue what to write about as my heart was full and the words wouldn’t come. This happens a lot. In those moments I just stop and pray.

 As I opened my Pandora, the song from Rascal Flatts was the first to play. “ I Won’t Let Go”. Wow. Well, that song took me back to over two years ago. Jillian had just texted me, “Look at your Facebook”  In the world of a young person, texting becomes a way of communication. You either join in this crazy form of communication, or you don’t. I’ll take it any way I can get it.

Steve had posted the song to her FB page. She told me later that they didn’t really talk about the song, he just played it for her. No words were necessary, they spoke through music. Just as much as Jillian needed to hear that song from Steve, I needed to hear it this morning.

 Won’t Let Go

It's like a storm 

That cuts a path 

It breaks your will 

It feels like that 

You think you're lost

But you're not lost on your own, 

You're not alone 

I will stand by you,

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

and you can't cope

I will dry your eyes,

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight 

and I won't let go

It hurts my heart to see you cry

I know its dark this part of life

Oh it find us all and we're to small

to stop the rain

Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you,

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

and you can't cope

I will dry your eyes,

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

and I won't let you fall

Don't be afraid to fall

I'm right here to catch you

I won't let you down

It won't get you down 

You're gonna make it

I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you,

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

and you can't cope

I will dry your eyes,

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

and I won't let go

Oh I'm gonna hold you

and I won't let go

Won't let you go

No I won't

The road this last year has been long, dark and cold. The past few months have been extremely difficult as I’ve worked through all the tough memories of Jillian’s last year on earth. All the struggles as she started to go downhill. All the fear. All the pain. And her death. Her last breath on that dark December morning, holding her, loving her.

I’m reminded once again that even though I’ve had to work through my grief alone, in my own way, I’m not alone. I never was. It takes me but a second to realize I’ve got people out there supporting me, praying for me, praying for my family. I want to thank all of you for your unending support and love. Your kindness really has made a difference.

I’m not sure what next year will bring, but I’m moving forward. I’m standing, I’m fighting, and I’ll win. We’ll win.

~Peace and love for 2014!