Melanoma=Fear

These last two weeks have been  particularly hard. I don’t need to analyze why. I know why. Two weeks ago a young Melanoma warrior was sent home on Hospice care. I’ve meet Briana several times. She and Jillian shared the same doctor. There were times when we would bump into each other at  U of M. Briana is a sweet, loving young woman, with a smile that lightens any room. When I heard the news  Briana was going home, it threw me back to those weeks when Jillian was home on Hospice. This is not an easy time for the family, and it  saddened me deeply.

As a caregiver, we have a job to do. We make those last week’s/months as comfortable as we can. It’s as if you are on autopilot. Every moment is filled up caring for that loved one. Making meals and serving them, administering any medications still needed. Making sure the loved one is comfortable. Helping with brushing their teeth, taking a bath. Dealing with nurses that come in once a week along with social workers making sure that we, the caretakers are doing okay. Changing bed linen, moving your loved one from one position to the next to avoid bed sores….hugs, rubs, talks…..Looking back on those last weeks, Jillian was such a gracious patient, never a complaint. It was an honor for me to have had the opportunity to care for her.

After Jillian died that Saturday morning six weeks ago, her husband Steve and I were crying, arms wrapped around Jillian, and each other. He looked up at me and said, “You did good”.  I replied, “WE did good”. And we did.  We made a great team, Steve and I. I know that I have absolutely no regrets. Not one. I’m so thankful for that.

Now Briana’s family is going through something very similar. And early this morning I found out that yet another young woman, Jennifer, who has a husband and a young son, has been given the news, “there is nothing more we can do”.  Jennifer has been fighting melanoma with such tenacity. She has been an inspiration and a joy to anyone who has had the pleasure of “knowing” her. A very big part of the melanoma community, along with Briana.

This brings me to my main topic. FEAR. I want to acknowledge those who live with fear.

The melanoma community is a very tight knit group. There are several support groups available depending on what your personal situation is. You could be the one battling melanoma, a caregiver, a mom, or finally, perhaps you’ve transitioned into the grieving group. Whatever the circumstance may be, these people stick together and support one another. And they FEEL. They hurt deeply when someone they’ve cheered on, compared notes with, been encouraged by, hears those dreaded words.

And then, the reality hits. This could be me. This just happened to my loved one.  Or, why am I so lucky that this isn’t happening to me? Why are the treatments working for me, and not for those women? This could be my daughter, or my husband, or my wife. Fear.

Living with melanoma, if it has progressed, means scans every three-four weeks depending on the treatment. Fear. You have about one good week during that time where your heart doesn’t skip a beat each day thinking about the looming scan appointment. Some call it Scanxiety.

Fear- as you are sitting in the Dr’s waiting room, waiting for your name to be called to go over the results. Your knees are so weak, you can barely walk without stumbling. Racing heart, sweaty palms, shaky hands, dry mouth.

Fear- as the Dr walks into the room. You try and read his face. Good news, or bad news?  Your heart is beating so loudly, everyone must hear it.

Even living with Melanoma when it hasn’t progressed can mean fear. Because you’re constantly aware that one renegade cancer cell can travel and invade the lungs, liver and brain. And these fears are real. It happens. I read a post from a friend Becca last night where she writes, “Having Melanoma means buying a two year planner and wondering if you'll be around to use the whole thing”.

Melanoma=Fear

I’m not sure you can sugar coat that. Oh, we learn to live with it, we find ways to live in spite of it. But if anyone thinks it doesn’t take great strength and courage to try overcome that fear,  and make a normal life once that cancer card has been dealt, is kidding themselves. These warriors are fighting for their lives every single day. If they aren’t waging a physical battle with melanoma, you can bet they are in a constant mental battle with the beast. And they do it with spirit, grace, and courage

So, if you know of anyone dealing with melanoma, or any cancer for that matter, look into their eyes and tell them how proud you are of their fight. Many of these warriors fight in silence. That kind word, that hug might just make their day, and lessen some of their fear.

For the young readers of mine- please do yourself a favor and stay out of tanning beds. Use sunblock, cover up.  Do it for yourself, for your family, boyfriend, girlfriend. Do it for anyone who loves and cares about you. Melanoma is not anything to mess with. It’s deadly. And please believe me, it isn’t pretty.  Don’t get yourself into the situation when you repeat Jillian’s words, “I wish I could turn back time”.

For Briana, and Jennifer, I love you both so much. I’m inspired by you. I will continue to pray for you as you continue on your personal Melanoma Journey.

Peace~